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The Twilight of the Admins
by Jay Richard

After hanging from a spear thrown into the devianTree for nine nights, I have obtained the knowledge of how the dAsphere shall come to pass. Gather around me as I nurse my wound and drink copious amounts of ale and I will tell you of what I have seen....

The Eternal Winter of the Forums

Two great warriors shall by chance meet on the plain of battle known as the Thumbshare Forum. They are champions of the same vein, the hit-and-fade barbarians called Smart Alecs, but they are solitary and fight for no one but themselves. A thumbnail of a Philosopher’s illustration will bring the first salvo. One Smart Alec enjoys the piece in a cynical manner; the other Smart Alec seeks its prompt but humorous annihilation with a one-line Zinger of Doom, a +3 attack using 2d12.

A witticism will be fired, followed by a mighty retaliation. Lo, it will escalate and a maelstrom of Smart Alecs will blossom, growing in number by the day. The Last Worders will mingle with the other, purer combatants and prevent the battle from fading. Verily, the battle shall miraculously continue like Madonna’s career except with less nudity and fewer love children. It will not take long before the flaming encompasses everything, even the nigh-frequented forum for the long-lost “deviator.”

The blind and eager Fad Sheep will mistake the war for the latest trend. While they will not last long, the endless stream of Fad Sheep will fan the fires of hatred. Their fallen bodies will be like firewood. Their temporary bleating will have aftershocks beyond what their goldfish-like attention spans could ever absorb.

The Emoticon Sponges, confused from their beloved ocean floor, will spew out their charms at an alarming rate. Never before has such a display of smilies been seen during a flame war. Soon the emoticons will cease to make rational sense; all sanity will be lost, only to be replaced by the gnashing of teeth and Newbies.

The Salamanders’ cries of “C’mon guys, let’s cool it” will go unanswered. Shouts of “Oh Man!” will sail upwards to the heavens of the dAsphere as the Salamanders are befallen. The sandals will be removed from their decomposing and hemp-ridden bodies only to be used as weapons.

The Emotional Surgeons will work their way into the war. They are no match for the Smart Alecs and those waving the mighty Banner of Wit, but they will feast on the Over-Emotionals and Newbies that stay in the area for too long. The overwhelming number of comebacks and witticisms will daze the Surgeons and eventually reduce them into babbling fools.

The Tell-Tale Nellies will work all sides, pining for the love of the Admins at any cost. Friend and foe alike will fall to the elephantine Nellies in a misguided and orgiastic rush for their masters’ love. Lo, the Nellies will not see the approaching mobs carrying pitchforks and torches until it is too late.

The Grammar Nazis shall not relent, mercilessly plowing forth to critique and deconstruct the all-caps threats and insults. They will work themselves to death, their fingers to the bones from typing so much. Shriveled up, husks of their former selves, the Grammar Nazis shall disappear beneath their coats and helmets. The l337ers shall dance on their enemy's ashes and hoist the monocles as trophies.

The mighty Forum Admin Octopus will smite the Anarchists, Pornographers, Hate-Alls and Intolerants by the hundreds for three long winters. By the start of the third cycle of the flaming, the Octopus shall heave its eight great Hammers of Etiquette to the side, shrug and use its endless powers to freeze the Forums over. The Age of the Forums will then be complete, ending in a new ice age that not even the Flamers can thaw.

The Forces of Darkness

The remaining and scattered Hate-Alls will worm their way downward into Helheim. It is here, in the land of Banned Deviants and Dead Accounts, where they shall rile up the underdark of the dAsphere into revolution.

A black ship, floating on a sea of crushed artistic naivety and idealism, will be set forth. Onboard, Judges and their Kangaroo Courts shall ready themselves to lead the festering legions into battle. Tombstone Preachers, the legendary Ubergoths of olde, shall ride at the fore of the ship, hidden from the sun beneath skull-shaped Umbrellas of Perpetual Despair. Bathtub Suiciders will take buckets of sea water to stock up on their next bout of self-inflicted and attention-driven angst. Below deck, the Dowhatisays will be forever urging the oarsmen row faster towards the awaiting apocalypse.

The Flamers, battered but determined, shall amass in the forgotten and degenerate realm of SheezyArt and plan their own siege. A metallic ship of burnt sienna and mars black will leave their shores. Dark smoke stacks will poor even darker smoke into the sky as they sail towards Armageddon.

The Forces of Light

A mighty horn will be sounded, awakening the Staff and Admins in their celestial abode. The Powers that Be will be arisen and immediately arm themselves and their Chosen Ones, Senior Members included.

A second horn will blow, calling the infinite hordes of Ninja Eggs from all corners of all worlds in the devianTree. Deviants of all shapes and sizes shall don the black uniform of their yolk-filled brethren and make the appropriate sacrifices for the Day of Reckoning. Their shells will shortly litter the ground, but not until they have died valiantly slaying Flamers with their Katanas and Throwing Stars of Infinite Cholesterol.

The Plains of the Galleries

Lo, the True and Phoney Welcomes will destroy each other. This shall come to pass before the Final Battle has even fully begun. It shall happen while the combatants are being welcomed to the battlefield, whilst competing for the attention of the latest newcomers and warriors.

The first mass causalities will be Imfirst Worms. The worms will rush and roll blindly into the middle of the battlefield, eager to be the first to, quite simply, do something. When both opposite sides charge, the Imfirst Worms will be trampled to death somewhere near the middle. Verily, the worms will cease to be.

Neither the forces of Light nor Darkness shall waste mercy on the Newbies. The Newbies will scamper to the nearest side, merely wanting a hug and to fit in with the “cooler kids.” By far the weakest of the combatants, the Newbies aligned to either side shall meet their deaths while cowering and weakly asking for a pageview. But, lo, no pageviews will be given, only flaming and painful agony with a side of cole slaw.

The Philosophers will destroy the Sloppies, Truly Superficials and the Pompous Asses before collapsing from their own wounds. Through logic and long-winded diatribes, the Philosophers will score plentiful notches into their deviantKill belts. An oversized brain cannot protect someone forever, though.

The Giveitago Butterflies will overwhelm the Dowhatisays by doing so much without listening to a curse’ed thing that the Dowhatisays say. Many Butterflies will tragically die from the venomous bites and other wounds they sustain. The Youarecraps shall die whimpering by the hundreds, but a few will sacrifice themselves to destroy errant Giveitago Butterflies before their own demise.

The Inflatists will align themselves to no one. Instead, wielding their pumps and air pressure driven Weapons of WTF Are You Doing, they will enlarge and deform whomever they deem “worthy.” Wrathful, the Fashionably Anorexics will strike back and be victorious. Due to a lack of calories or carbs to keep their cadaverous bodies sustained, the Fashionably Anorexics will soon follow the Inflatists to the Big Shout Box in the Sky. And, lo, no one will miss either of them.

Squadrons of +Fav Bombers will soar through the skies, contrails crisscrossing the heavens in a deranged tic-tac-toe game of death. The squadrons will support no side but will gratuitously award stars for the best attack combos and the most imaginative slayings. Regardless, both sides will down the Bombers with antiaircraft fire. Verily, no one loves a kiss-ass.

BloodnGuts will prance about the battle with a perverted glee. They will stomp out the slower and considerably cooter Webcam Pandas with no remorse or mercy. Waves of birds on pogo sticks -- the Wow, OMG! and w00t Birds -- will trample the BloodnGuts into pasty little bits, as has been foretold.

The Descent of the dAsphere

The Shoutbox shall sink into the ocean, taking its chirping chicks along with it. The dAsphere will burn and collapse, falling into oblivion in a colorful cloud of pixels and emoticons. As existence ceases to exist, the last thing heard will be a soft but strong: “La la la.”

The New dAsphere

A new and idyllic world will rise above the ocean, floating above the sinking ashes of the old dAsphere. The Lurkers, surviving by hiding in the branches of the devianTree, will come out of their shadows and walk on this new world. The Lurkers shall immediately forget what they were hiding from and embrace the pristine place set before them.

The Sizzle and Fizzle shall return, as promised long ago in the days of Green and Black Computer Monitors. The race was thought to live for only a short time, but their rockets of eagerness shall return to the ground; verily, they did not explode like so many had thought. The Sizzle and Fizzles shall find a clean world for them to explore and build upon. Their youthful naďve nature no longer holding them back, the matured creatures shall go forth and repopulate the dAsphere and usher in a Golden Age that will last until Judgment Day, when the machines will ironically use us to store art.

Thus it has been foretold and thus it shall come to pass.
This was inspired first by a forum thread entitled “how will deviantART end?” by

The main source of inspiration comes from the legendary “dA Bestiary” by

The creatures and whatnot in this story are largely taken from the Bestiary. And, yes, I asked Windy999 for permission first.
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AoAClub Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2007
Hello :D
Just letting you know that this has been featured in our Appreciation of Admins news article .

Thank you for Showing your love to the Admin here on DA.
If you haven't already take a look at the news article :D

Thank you once again.
Hope to see you at *AoAClub

`Tepara @*AoAClub
revolution-catalyst Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2005
This is awesome. It has wonderful humor; the wit is excellent.
Red-Storm Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2005
This is the most impresive writing I've ever seen in dA. It uses the bases from another deviants amazing history (well, not actually a history, but the start of it; where all characters are explained) and improves it, into a short yet accurate description of what might happen.
Some great laughing! +fav for sure!
RoseImmortal Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2005

One tiny nitpick: "Helhiem" should be spelled "HelhEIm" in order to get the proper pronunciation in German/Scandinavian languages.

But anyway, you gave me a laugh!
starchild6891 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2005
I was working with online sources, so I should have assumed something was spelt wrong ...
I'm sorting through my message center, so I'll go google-ing for the proper spelling of Helheim/Helhiem after.
No one had complained yet, so I assumed it was right . . .
RoseImmortal Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2005
Lemme know what you I'm curious. ;-)
starchild6891 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2005
... You're right. [link]
One minute, please, going to fix it now....
RoseImmortal Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2005
OK. :-)

I used to read a lot of Norse mythology when I was little, and that's why I thought I was remembering that. I also studied German, and even though that's a different language from Old Norse, I just thought "Helheim" sounded more like what it would be.

Anyway, have a good one! :-)
ice-dite Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2005
Wonderful work! I enjoyed reading this from start to finish :)
starchild6891 Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2005
Thanks for the :+fav:!
wasureru Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2005
*falls over laughing*

Reading this, than going to be bestiary to check each of the new combatants was great.

Too busy laughing to say anything else, great job.
Lavos12 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2005
You have inspired me to write my own DA related story about the first great DA war in 2007. Part of it is inspired by your story and part of it is inspired by Apocalypse Now. Maybe I should ask windy if it's ok to use his name and the bestiary in it. If he's ever on I mean.
starchild6891 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2005
I sent a note asking for permission to use his bestiary creatures and it took weeks for him to reply. But, hey, better late than never. I'm sure he'd give you permission, but just wait until he replies before you submit anything.
Oh, before I forget -- thanks for the :+fav:!
Lavos12 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2005
Your welcome. I'll try.
GoldeenHerself Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2005   Traditional Artist
Hysterical (foud this through Windy's journal), I laughed out loud at the "Senior Members included" bit. =D Definitely a part of dA litreture (sp?) history.

Great job man! =D
ILL-FATED-USHER Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2005
Hey i featured this in my journal today! i love this by the way! i knwo i said so before but yeah! this rocks!
starchild6891 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2005
Thanks. :ahoy:
darkmoon3636 Featured By Owner May 29, 2005
good job, though you have to know a lot of the beastiary facts for it to make sense ;)
Kooopa Featured By Owner May 18, 2005
Still chuckling to self even after read every comment! Love it! have to say "The sandals will be removed from their decomposing and hemp-ridden bodies only to be used as weapons." just makes me laugh. Great piece!
smithing-chick Featured By Owner May 12, 2005
Damn, dude. This is way, way too funny. :)

"But, lo, no pageviews will be given, only flaming and painful agony with a side of cole slaw."

Beautiful! :worship:
cfitzart Featured By Owner May 12, 2005   Traditional Artist
very nicely done :clap:
kailey Featured By Owner May 11, 2005
This is absolutely wonderful... I have to study mythology in class right now, and I really wish you wrote our text. This is interesting, fun, and just the right style. Great satire :+fav:
angelofplottwists Featured By Owner May 11, 2005   Writer
Hmmm...very interesting...would you mind if I tried doing the Creation? I hath been inspired...
starchild6891 Featured By Owner May 12, 2005
Go for it. The idea hadn't actually occurred to me yet. I was thinking of maybe doing anything myth at some point, probably after the Bestiary grew some more, but for some reason I had not thought of making a creation myth.... If you want or need help/advice/whatnot on the story, let me know.
angelofplottwists Featured By Owner May 13, 2005   Writer
All right! Now to ask the Bestiary creator if he'd mind! Which I don't think he will, but oh well, better safe than sorry.
Icarus-the-Sane Featured By Owner May 11, 2005
CatONineTales Featured By Owner May 10, 2005  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is great fun *grins*
LaughingAstarael Featured By Owner May 10, 2005  Professional Traditional Artist
^^ Great piece! :+fav:
KirbyMeister Featured By Owner May 10, 2005
I like the last part 'where the machines will use us to store art'
talyra Featured By Owner May 10, 2005
:lmao: I shall :+fav: and continue to read later...
mew-at-heart Featured By Owner May 10, 2005
Awesome! I don't usually read writing deviations, but this was really good!
dNlbNtl Featured By Owner May 10, 2005
HAHA!!! Great work.
beautifulcutter Featured By Owner May 10, 2005   Writer
That was totally awesome. I'm not familiar with Norse mythology, but I still found it hilarious. Maybe I should do some reading. ;) I am a fan of the dA bestiary, though, and you made quite good use of that in here. Great job. :+fav:
doubtingthomas Featured By Owner May 10, 2005  Hobbyist
I always held fanatical beliefs about originality and influences, beliefs which were highly detrimental to mine and others' artistic development, and I'm happy to say that you've invalidated them all. You've leeched the substance of The Bestiary and woven it into a whole new stupidity, and it's bloody funny.
Plus, I just clocked FF6 for the eighth time, and I'm in the mood for this sort of thing.
Definite fav. How could I resist?
tegu Featured By Owner May 10, 2005
Lo, it shall meriteth a +fav.

(Ooh, Aah, Voodoo)
YoitisI Featured By Owner May 10, 2005  Professional
I really like the style you wrote this in (yay for Norse mythology) :omg: it's very good and funny and deserves a :+fav:
matthewedwardcornish Featured By Owner May 10, 2005  Hobbyist Photographer
That's grand - really is - well done :)
RabidOzztaku Featured By Owner May 9, 2005
That was so great! I shouldn't have read it so late at night, though; it was hard not to burst out laughing!
rurounitriv Featured By Owner May 9, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
Loved this! Yes, another Bestiary fan... and one who's hard to get a fav out of, but you just managed it. :+favlove:
hokuto Featured By Owner May 9, 2005
............. okay, as both a fan of Norse mythology and the Bestiary series:

I fucking LOVE this. :heart: ! With so much love. It makes me laugh with utter joy.
starchild6891 Featured By Owner May 10, 2005
Whenever uses "fucking" in a comment, I really hope it's for something good....and fortunately this is one of those times. :devilish:
freaktrigger Featured By Owner May 9, 2005
Absolute genius...
It needs Nidhog and Bifrost though!
starchild6891 Featured By Owner May 10, 2005
I wasn't going so much for an extact retelling of the Norse myths. The main thing I was going for was the "everyone verses someone else" thing that happened towards the end. I actually was thinking about keeping it more-or-less exactly what the Norse had, but then it got way too complicated and seemed forced to me.
freaktrigger Featured By Owner May 10, 2005
Yeah, I understand where your coming from there, sometimes its just not compatible.
kamion99 Featured By Owner May 9, 2005
Absolutely hilarious! But where Nidhog?
starchild6891 Featured By Owner May 10, 2005
I couldn't decide who or what would be the Nidhogg. I mean, it's a giant serpent creature that gnaws on the roots of the World Tree — I couldn’t make up my mind as to what would be that powerful or big.
Shadsie Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so cute, for someone following Windy's Beastiary. Wonderfully witty, very well-written. I love the line about Madonna. I'd like to use it as a signiture somewhere.

This was a fun read. Thanks for penning it!
duanya Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
In short: a-MAZ-ing! It was well written, funny, and the tone (the whole mocking Nostradamus et al way you wrote it) was beautifully used. :+fav:
flaccidoutrage Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2005  Professional Digital Artist
Cool, Read it. Very creative and witty, *read it while browsing windy999's daBestiary. Ha! What a ride!
Skivvy Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2005   Writer
This is amazing! Talent, wit, verbology, mythology, dA Bestiology, and about eight other ologies wrapped up in one amazing tale!
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