'The GOP and Lesbian Porn'

“The GOP and Lesbian Porn”
by Jay Richard


There was an Election Party at the Campus Center during the 2004 Presidential Election. It started at 8:00 PM and went on until God only knows when. At the time I was in my dorm and talking to people online while following CNN and Yahoo! News. Unfortunately, everyone I knew was either busy, somewhere else, or online and about to leave.

The election was going depressingly well for Bush. I had expected that fear and ignorance would do that sort of thing. I tried not to act too depressed -- there was still California, Florida, and Ohio. I got my scarf and coat and decided to take a ten minute walk to the Campus Center for lack of anything better to do.

There were only two Atkins-friendly soda cans left by the time I arrived. It was all business majors sitting around drinking soda and talking about stuff not relating to the elections, any of the elections, in the damnedest. CNN was on the TVs there, for all the good that did. Two people seemed to actually be watching. I sat down with my Diet Sprite Zero (the second in my coat pocket for later) and didn’t plan to stay for long.

Two of the local Republicans (how do they sleep at night?) were sitting behind me and chatting about how orgasmicly awesome this all was. I tried to ignore them as I saw that Florida had fallen since I left my dorm.

“...a real leader,” one of them was saying. “Being tough on terror is what we need to be with those fucking towelheads.”

Being myself, I was thinking sarcastic and cynical comments while biting my tongue. (“Kill them all and God will know His own” is not a foreign policy, gentlemen.)

“Yeah,” the GOP sympathizer-in-arms said needlessly. “I’m so fucking pissed at New York. After what he did on 9/11 you’d think they’d vote for him.”

(And I bet that the “My Pet Goat” photo op in Florida helped down the fourth plane in Pennsylvania.)

“That’s what we need: a good, moral Christian --”

(Jesus didn’t approve of stoning, so why would he approve of the electric chair?)

“—Who can fight evil, man.”

(So that’s what they’re calling science these days.)

“Fuck yeah,” the other one said. There was a pause before he brought up a topic no Bush supporter could claim faith in. “Even helping the kids out. Education is so much better now. We don’t need to be rewarding ghetto schools that slack off.”

(No child left behind in a sub-par private school.)

“The same people who bitch about that are the Greens,” one of them said. By now I was hoping they were drunk or high to provide an excuse for their heads becoming so well aquatinted with their colons. “Fucking Greens.”

(Again, how do you people sleep at night?)

“I’m more worried about the fags,” the other said. “I don’t care if you’re a tree hugger, but if you’re fucking another guy that’s just wrong. We don’t need any of that. It’s disgusting. They better ban it because I’m fed up. I hate living here.”

“We should ban gays,” the other replied. “Fuck marriage – just ban them all. It’s sick.”

At this point I was tempted to toss my soda can at them. Not the one I was drinking from, mind you, but the fully loaded one in my pocket.  I finished off my soda quickly and turned around to look at them. “Do you look at lesbian porn?” I politely and randomly asked.

They hadn’t been expecting that. “What?” one of them asked.

“I asked if you watch lesbian porn,” I calmly said.

“Why the fuck do you want to --”

“Just tell me ‘yes’ or ‘no.’”

“Yeah, why?”

I smiled a little. “Because that means you’re a goddamn hypocrite.”

They swore at me as I walked out.

Nothing worked out in the end, but don’t blame me: I’m from Massachusetts.